Lost

I am feeling lost.  There’s something I want to be but it does not seem like I’m good enough to become that.  There is something that I want to do, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get to doing it. Suddenly, it feels like all the hard work these past few years are all for naught.

One of the many people I’ve met when I was in high school is now a Social Entrepreneur – and extremely satisfied and happy being one.  I wonder if I’ll ever be like that – do what I love doing, help people help themselves, become a better person.

This is her:

This is me:

[blank]

What do I do now?

*Depressed*

It has been a terrible month for me. *sigh*  And I don’t understand why I’ve been told to keep the results to myself – don’t tell your fellow teaching fellows, don’t tell anyone, don’t let them see your sad face.  Why not?  Why shouldn’t everyone know the truth?

I was not expecting to be disappointed.  But I am.  And I don’t know how to deal with it.  I just really want to disappear and start fresh somewhere.

What do I do? I can’t think straight long enough to figure out a plan of some sort.

ADB Today

I’m working for the Asian Development Bank now.  Dream come true. I’ve always wanted to work here – even before I decided to take my Master of Arts in Economics.  I dreamed of getting in, getting a good enough position and staying in for the rest of my life.

But it doesn’t seem to feel like a happily ever after.  Every day I’m in ADB, it feels like just another ADB workday.  Maybe I’m having another “letting go” syndrome.  I kinda liked being in UPSE.  Wrong,  I loved being in UPSE.  I enjoyed the control I had over my time.  I loved the variety of activities that I got to do.  I enjoyed being with my students.  I love my fellow Teaching Fellows and Teaching Assistants, and the professors that I had.

But then, along came T.M. and along came 5 months of no income.

And now, finally, after so long a time, I’m in ADB. I’m in.  I officially start on Oct. 5 and my contract’s going to end on January 31.  I’m not an ADB national/local staff – I never wanted to.  I am an ADB consultant.  And I’m enjoying what job I have so far.   But I don’t feel I should stay here for the rest of my life.

I definitely want to finish my PhD.  How I will be doing that –  I don’t know.  But I will get there. One step at a time.

Today, I’ll savor the fact that I’m in ADB and will be here for the next three months.

Today I Will Be Better

It’s terribly hard to move on when there’s somebody constantly reminding you of how inadequate you are in her eyes.   Incompetent and not up to par – these are what she told me I was.  And when I thought I have finally been forgiven for 2 mistakes I have already retracked and previously apologized for, along comes an email that reminds me that I’m not good enough.  As if she does not commit mistakes and retrack them?!?! *sigh* I just really want this semester to be over.  I’ve had enough.  Enough.

Mafia Wars: Addicted Version

Ok, I admit, I haven’t done much work the past week. I have no reason for not accomplishing much except for one – Mafia Wars (addicted). It’s unbelievable how much time I have wasted just so I could level up and protect my finances and my properties in this game. It’s my pseudo-world now. It has taken up my entire Saturday. I haven’t fixed my application for study abroad – which I was supposed to today – because I simply cannot take my eyes off my laptop screen. Fight. Protect. Earn Money. Spend Wisely. I want to be the Godfather. And I hate it when unknown people – worse, friends – hire a bounty hunter to murder me. So I spend much time planning and executing a perfect revenge. *sigh*

My mum’s right. Money not earned in a good way is a pain to protect. Easy come, easy go. This is why, I guess, everything should be worked hard for. If not for the psychological benefits of feeling WORTHY of it, then for the “level up” of having gone through the adventure.

Tomorrow’s another Monday – another week yet to unfold. I hope I’ll be able to do much work – real work – then. If only Mafia Wars money could be taken out of the game, I’d be filthy rich. Unfortunately, online stays online. And there remains a lot of work to be finished offline.

Good luck to us all for tomorrow!

P.S.
It’s unbelievable how I never posted anything on this blog the entire month of July! But of course I wrote an entry in July tucked in somewhere. I have not yet decided whether or not I should be posting that here. We’ll see.

Protected: My Day Today

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Protected: I’m Dead

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I grieve

From Businessworld:

Malacañang on Saturday declared 10 days of national mourning for former Pres. Corazon “Cory” C. Aquino, who died at 3:18 a.m. due to complications arising from colon cancer. She was 76 years old.

Mrs. Aquino, a housewife thrust to the political limelight after the assassination in August 1983 of her husband, Sen. Benigno S. Aquino Jr., reluctantly agreed to run for the presidency against former Pres. Ferdinand E. Marcos in order to unite a fragmented opposition for the 1986 “snap” presidential elections. Signs of massive cheating in those polls sparked a bloodless “People Power” military-civilian revolt that toppled Mr. Marcos and inspired similar popular uprisings against totalitarian regimes worldwide since then.

“Today, the Philippines lost a national treasure. Cory Aquino helped lead a revolution that restored democracy and the rule of law to our nation at a time of great peril,” said Pres. Gloria M. Arroyo in a message televised from Washington, D.C., where she met with United States President Barack Obama.

“I am announcing today that we will officially observe 10-day period of national mourning. Our hearts go out to the family in this hour of grief and sorrow. The nation prays for Cory and her family.”

Mrs. Aquino’s only son, Senator Benigno Simeon “Noynoy” C. Aquino III, announced his mother’s death to media early Saturday morning at the Makati Medical Center, where she had been confined since June 23. Her cancer was detected in March last year. She had undergone surgery last May to remove affected parts of her colon, but the disease had spread to other organs since then.

Condolence, Philippines.

Random Thoughts

Michael Jackson is dead. Surprise, surprise. Andrew was pretty shocked when he heard that Michael Jackson died at 50. He said Michael didn’t look his age. I told him, neither did he look his race. Still, I’m pretty bummed he’s dead. I was hoping there’d be more great music from him. In fact, I was hoping to someday meet the guy in person (even if he forgets me the very second he meets me)… and well, be an audience in one of his concerts. Neither’s happening now. Tough luck.

I’m sleepy. And tired. And my heels, after also an entire day of walking, are hurting like crazy. My back’s also been terribly hurting from carrying my laptop on my backpack back and forth Sanggumay Dorm and Econ. *Sigh* These are terrible signs of old age… and immobility/lack of exercise.

But I had fun today at this wedding expo that Andrew and I attended. Overwhelmed, but happy. We bought our wedding rings!!! And we agreed on what should be engraved on the ring! I’m sooo excited to finally be wearing our rings! We also checked out photographers and videographers, florists, and wedding planners. *Sigh* There is so much to do!!! And so many things to spend on! I wonder if we’ll ever save enough for our dream wedding. I hope so. Donations (with no strings attached), anyone?

Larry Fonacier is married. I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. Haha! Not that I care, really. But my roommate, Teri, told me that his was one of the best weddings for her. So I’m stalking the couple’s wedding and reception pictures. Found a helpful multiply site. Nice wedding. Pastel colors. Hmmm… but maybe not the wedding I want. We’ll see.

Andrew and I still haven’t agreed on our color theme. He wants it blue. My mum also wants it blue. I want it pinkish/reddish. Maybe purple would be a compromise? Hahaha! Again, we’ll see. :p

Yah, I’m really sleepy. Haven’t thought of anything else for the entire week but my wedding plans. I’m a W@W bride now. I should be getting discounts for being one soon.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to study GRE again tomorrow.

Goodnight world wide web!

Long Time

Long time no post. My life seems to be at a standstill. I enrolled for 24 units of dissertation this semester while juggling what was supposed to be 2 part-time jobs – a teaching assistant job in UP-D and a research assistant/consultant job in ADB. But I haven’t heard from ADB in more than a month. I’m not sure if the invitation to work for them still holds. It seems like it still does. But one can never be too sure.

On the other hand, my teaching assistant-ship is off to an unexpected beginning. I was hoping I’d get to assist Dr. Fabella with his Econ 202 (Microeconomic Theory) and Dr. Monsod with her DE 231 (Quantitative Economics / Econometrics). Instead, I got assigned to Dr. Mendoza’s Econ 231 (Statistics and Probability), what used to be my most feared subject, and to Dr. Monsod’s DE 231. All sit-in and Nico-type discussion classes are now no longer applicable. Now, I have to collect, select and answer exercises for my Econ 231 discussion classes. And I’m not allowed to sit-in in class.

I keep telling myself that my current situation could be advantageous since I haven’t done much studying for GRE and I’ve already scheduled my exam for July 7. But I cannot help think I’m wasting precious time – I’m getting older and getting bankrupt.

*Sigh*

I’m stuck trying to figure out what my next move should be. There are simply too many things that are probabilistic, e.g. the probability that ADB hires me in July, the probability that Dr. Clarete extends my job as his research assistant, the probability that I’m given my TA pay before September, etc.

*Sigh*